Flashbacks

The past few months have been a whirlwind. A whirlwind of emotions, of INR checks, of prayers for healing and a constant fight for positive thoughts and actions. The enemy loves to flood my mind with the negative, but I refuse to give into them. For every negative thought, I proclaim a positive one or a promise given to me from God's Word. That is what keeps me going... the promises of His Word and the faith that in my weakest moments He is my strength. Even when I can't see it, I can't feel it... I know that He is healing my body. Because that is who He is... my Jehovah Rapha... the God who heals me.

I would assume that for anyone who has gone through something traumatic, that after a time, you start having flashbacks of moments that took place throughout your experience. I know that I do. I can be driving down the road and a scene will play in my mind from the hospital and tears flood my eyes before I even realize what is happening. I think there were only a few who truly knew the amount of pain I was in before our trip to Florida. And I can honestly say that as terrible as it was to be admitted to the hospital, I was grateful we were getting answers and I was going to be treated. After being released, Jeremy and I loaded into the Yukon for our 8 hr trip home. Along the way we stopped at a rest stop to use the bathroom. I was so weak and in so much pain... I remember being in tears long before I reached the door to the building. There was an attendent there and she was our angel that night... she immediately asked if I would need help in the bathroom and proceeded to unlock a bathroom that was sparkling clean just for Jeremy and I. I didn't really have a mirror to look at in the hospital and I remember seeing my reflection in the mirrors that lined the wall of that bathroom. I was horrified... so skinny and sickly looking. I think I made Jeremy stop at just about every exit from then til we got home so I could get something to eat. I was determined to gain some weight back, starting immediately. lol.

But, my most recent flashback was when we got home. Jeremy carried me up our deck stairs and into the house, because I couldn't do it myself. And I went straight to the bathroom. And I just couldn't move from that place. All the sorrow of the past month, all the worry, the gratefulness at being home in my own house and alive... just came flooding out of me. Gut-wrenching sobs that came so deep from inside me came pouring out and I couldn't make it stop. I was grieving for the pain I had suffered, the long road I knew was ahead of me and at the same time I was rejoicing because I had made it... the enemy did not defeat me and God never left my side.

There is a saying, "what doesn't kill you, will only make you stronger." And I agree whole-heartedly. You see what the enemy uses to try and destroy us.... God uses to mold us into the person He wants us to be. IF we will let Him. I could choose to wallow in misery over having to take blood thinners everyday and I could choose to live in anger over the hand I have been dealt. But, then I am just giving satan what he wants... For me to live a miserable uneffective life that does myself and everyone else absolutely no good. But, by allowing God to increase my faith, by allowing myself to trust in the things I cannot see... I am choosing life. I am choosing to win. Doesn't mean there aren't days when I give into the tears, doesn't mean I never worry. But, I get back up. I choose not to settle there.

Isaiah 43: 2-3a says, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. when you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

God didn't promise we would never walk through fire... He never promised to make us a bridge so there will never be waters that threaten to overtake us. We will face hard times, we will have sorrow in this life. But, I am so thankful that He does promise to always be with us... always holding our hand through the pain. Even when we can't feel Him, even when things are so bad that we can't see Him working in the midst of our trouble. HE IS THERE! He never leaves us... not even for a second.

"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed. That I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord. Be of good courage and He will strengthen your heart. Wait on the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14

Don't give up! Don't give into the sadness or anger that tries to consume your life. Stand firm and wait for God to give you your miracle. Don't let Him go until He blesses you!! Keep praying, keep believing, keep trusting in Him...because He has great things in store for each and every one of us. I can only speak for myself, but He is my hope. My gladness. My everything. Even when I don't deserve His love, He lavishes it upon me. He sings over me during my darkest nights.... and eventually morning WILL come and I'll wake up to one of the most beautiful sunrises imaginable!!

My thoughts on Twilight

Months and months ago before the Twilight craze became full blown, I had a friend who tried and tried to persuade me into reading it. I always refused, always. And I told her not to bring the books into my home to read herself. This is why:

The definition of a vampire is a blood-sucking ghost; a soul of a dead person superstitiously believed to come from the grave and wander about by night sucking the blood of persons asleep, thus causing their death. The persons who turn vampires are generally wizards, witches, suicides, and persons who have come to a violent end.

But, somehow the majority of christians, still see this as an okay read? I just don’t get it.
Have we forgotten the spiritual consequences to opening such doors? Many argue that is it just a good love story. That Edward is a good vampire…. I don’t think that any vampire can by definition be considered good.

2 Corinthians 11:14 says that even Satan disguises himself as an angels of light. Therefore it is not surprising if his servants also disguise themselves as servants of righteousness, whose end will be according to their deeds.

This is part of an article I found on the internet that I believe speaks much truth concerning how Satan deceives us into thinking things that are not of God are okay.

If you could see and meet the devil face to face, what would he look like? He is commonly depicted as a cartoon character in a red suit with a pitchfork or as a hideous-looking ghoul.

But neither of these characterizations is anywhere close to the truth.

In reality, if you were to meet the devil, you would find him attractive, engaging and persuasive. Though he is really the prince of darkness, Satan successfully presents himself as "an angel of light" (2 Corinthians 11:14).

Satan is a master of misrepresentation. He is the world's greatest advertiser, packaging his product so it seems attractive and appealing while in reality it is deathly poisonous. He wants his clients to see him as good, beneficent and trustworthy. He wants his product -sin and rejection of God-to appear enticing and inviting, and he is usually quite successful.
Satan never presents sin as it really is. He never presents both sides of the story, pro and con. He presents only what he wants us to see, something that appears fun and exciting. He wants us to focus on pleasure, on what feels or looks good at the moment. He wants long-term consequences to be the last thing on our minds while he entices us to sin.

Although I haven’t read the books or watched the movies…. This is what I understand. That Bella desires to become a vampire so she can be with Edward. Evil never entices us and then desires to transform to good. It always entices us and desires to turn us into evil.
I hope this has opened the eyes of at least one person who is caught up in whole Twilight craze and that you will at least pray about the doors that you are possibly opening up to satan and his servants.

Last week a girl who we know lost her mother in a tragic car accident. Her mother was only 56 years old. Fifty-six! My heart breaks for the pain she must be suffering and it only makes me wonder how I might react to such a loss.

Several weeks ago in our Beth Moore study she taught on fear. Tears trickled down my cheeks almost the entire lesson. Why are we so easily ensnared by fear? If we're not careful it consumes us and can hold us back from everything that God has for us. Human nature is to self protect, to do whatever it takes to keep from feeling pain or hurt. But, what often happens is that we protect ourselves right out of the calling that God has placed on our life.

In Esther, chapter 4, Mordecai learns of the King's edict that all Jews be destroyed, annihilated on a certain date. Can you imagine someone posting a sign that said, "on this date you shall DIE!" Mordecai tore his clothes and put on sackcloth and ashes and wailed loudly and bitterly at the gate which he had previously worked. Esther sent her eunuch to find out what was bothering her uncle and he instructed Hathach to explain to her the edict and urge her to go into the King's presence and plead for mercy. This is where is gets interesting...Esther's response.

Esther 4: 11

"All the king's officials and the people of the royal provinces know that for any man or woman who approaches the king in the inner court without being summoned the king has but one law: that he be put to death. The only exception to this is for the king to extend the gold scepter to him and spare his life. But thirty days have passed since I was called to go to the king."

And Mordecai replies in Vs. 13

"Do not think that because YOU are in the king's house YOU alone of all the Jews will escape. For if YOU remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but YOU and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that YOU have come to a royal position for such a time as this?

I don't know about you but if I was Esther I would have been quaking in my persian sandals! :-) Can you imagine?? Your husband hasn't wanted to be in your presence in THIRTY DAYS! Thirty days!!! I think that would give me reason to believe that I had offended him in some way or that he was tired of me with all those concubines he so freely had access to. And Mordecai wanted her to go into the King's presence unsummoned. She would be risking her life.

Esther made a choice though...Esther 4:16

"Go, gather together all the Jews who are in Susa, and fast for me...... When this is done, I will go to the king, even though it is against the law. And if I perish, I perish.

The power of her choice impacted her destiny. Esther overcame herself in order to do what God had created her and positioned her to do. So, GET OVER YOURSELF! Don't be an obstacle to yourself! No one is born brave. But, you might very well be one brave decision away from the path of your destiny.

So Esther faced the fear. How easy it would have been to be in denial about the situation. She could have argued that there was nothing she could do and that she would take her chances on whether anyone would figure out she was a Jew. But she was courageous! There is no denial in courage. Most definitely deny the reality's victory over you, but not the situation. Can you imagine living without fear? Is that a concept we can even grasp? Do you know that the most frequent command in the Bible is: Don't be afraid? Fill in this blank.

If ( this happens ), then ( I'll )... for example.

If one of my children dies at an early age, then I couldn't go on living.

What is your greatest fear? and how do you see yourself reacting if it became a reality? The truth, whether we want to believe it or not, is that should that which you fear most happens... Your God is still faithful! I'll be honest and say that the thought of losing one of my kids or me being taken from my kids terrified me before I heard Beth Moore teach on this. I could lay in bed at night and imagine all the scenerios of what could happen and how I could go on living if the thing I feared worst might come to past. I am a firm believer in praying against those things that we fear: "Lord please spare me from such tragedy." But, if that cup doesn't pass me by then my God is still God. This has completely FREED me in a way I can't even begin to describe. Now my fill in looks like this:

If one of my children dies at an early age, then God will see me through.

If one of my children dies at an early age, then God will restore my joy.

If one of my children dies at an early age, then God will help me overcome.

Hebrews 2:14-15 from The Message says,

"By embracing death, taking it into himself, he destroyed the Devil's hold on death and FREED all who cower through life, scared to death of death."

Are you scared to death of death? We can be in a stronghold of death so much that we never really live. The shadow of death can be just as worse as dying. Take the courage that God has so freely offered to you and LIVE! Courage is not the absence of fear but the judgement that something more important is at stake. I can remember being prompted by the spirit to speak a word to someone in our congregation one Sunday... My heart was racing and my hands got all sweaty... I was so overcome by fear that I just couldn't do it. And not long after, I watched someone else go to that person and I'm sure they were told all that God wanted them to hear. Mordecai was right when he said that deliverance for the Jews would arise from a different place but Esther would have missed out on her destiny.

So I urge you .... Choose courage, God is with you.

Meanness

If you've ever listened to Beth Moore teach you know what a blessing she is to hear and what revelation she brings. Three weeks ago we started one of her studies at church on Esther... "it's tough being a woman." And it is! It's tough having double x chromosomes!! lol. It's tough having a period every month and hormonal chaos! It's tough living in the shadows of other women and it's tough living in a world where beauty is a treatment. Her lesson last night was on "Its tough being a woman in a mean world!" AMEN!! This world is mean! Or should I say that there are people in this world who are mean!

Meanness always has a history. ALWAYS! Keeping in mind we're studying Esther consider this: The hatred and anger that Haman (an Amalekite) had towards Mordecai (the jew) stems from a disobeyed instruction given to King Saul to annailate the Amalekite people. (1Sam 15:10-23,30) The spirit of Amalekite targets the defenseless, the weak. They were cowards and there's nothing meaner than a coward. The Lord wanted to rid the earth of ALL the Amalekite people but Saul failed to obey his command. And because of it.. Mordecai became victim to Haman's anger. The Amalekite people were wilderness enemies unprovoked. Meaning.. they attacked those were were weak, defenseless, they targeted those type of people because they were insecure. Insecurity is always at the heart of every rivalry.

Meanness perceives a threat. Have you ever just had a sudden wave of anger overcome you? To the point where you just stop and ask "where did that come from?" We as christians need to learn to identify why we feel threatened when we have the desire to be mean. Let me just stop here and say that I was and can still be at times a mean person. Don't lie to yourself.. because we ALL are at times! :-O But, why?? Consider this quote, "Surely as Christians we must recognize the spirit of Haman not only in our world but within ourselves." I'm not saying that that spirit controls us or that it is constantly manifest in our life but we need to stop and think about when anger rises up within us why we are feeling threatened at that moment. Do we get angry because we see beautiful, successful, ambitious, women who seem to have a perfect marriage, perfect house, perfect car and we think we don't measure up? Anger is power to those who have no other source of it. 2 Corinthians 10:12 basically says, that it's not wise to measure yourself up against others. Don't let others determine your self worth. Find your value in God and in who He has created YOU to be.

The wonderful thing is that Meanness is curable. Leave your"Haman" to God. Don't repay evil for evil. If you've ever encountered a mean woman overcome her evil with good. Don't bow down to her, don't serve her, but DO LOVE HER. Romans 12:17-21 says to leave room for God's vengeance. If you're fighting what feels like a war with a mean spirited woman you can rest assured that you will overcome if you'll leave it to God to avenge.

So what is a mean woman? In my opinion a mean woman is someone who degrades others to make herself feel better. I think a mean woman is someone who puts on a friendly front but then talks bad about you behind your back. Beth Moore said she thinks a mean woman is someone who dresses provactively in front of other women's husbands! You know what you're wearing when you leave the house girl!! lol.

SO.... all that to say this. When anger arises in our life, it's time we took note of why we are feeling threatened at that moment. Is it because of our own insecurities? Maybe that person was just mean? And if so.. heap burning coals on her head by being kind. Something a mean person most definitely is not.

Seasoned friends

Last week I was having a conversation with my mother-in-law about life in general. And she makes the statement that we all have seasoned friends. Friends that are only in our life for a season. This thought had never occured to me. But, after giving it much consideration I realize how true it has proved to be in my own life.

How many times have I wondered why friendships have ended for really no reason at all... they were seasoned friends. There are times in our life when we need people.. we need people who make us laugh, people who distract us from the chaos we're surrounded by, people who understand what we've gone through, people who love our kids and treat them like their own, I mean I could go on. But, soon life passes by. And the needs of your life change and so do theirs. It's not a bad thing that people change, but it happens. Does that make sense to anyone but me? I'm not implying that ALL friends are seasoned friends. Thank God for the ones who are life friends. It's just that.. like a light bulb has gone off in my head and things I couldn't make heads or tails of in the past... I now completely understand. I'm very appreciative of the friends that were in my life, even if it was only for a season.

The Bible says in Ecclesiastes 3

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.