Flashbacks

The past few months have been a whirlwind. A whirlwind of emotions, of INR checks, of prayers for healing and a constant fight for positive thoughts and actions. The enemy loves to flood my mind with the negative, but I refuse to give into them. For every negative thought, I proclaim a positive one or a promise given to me from God's Word. That is what keeps me going... the promises of His Word and the faith that in my weakest moments He is my strength. Even when I can't see it, I can't feel it... I know that He is healing my body. Because that is who He is... my Jehovah Rapha... the God who heals me.

I would assume that for anyone who has gone through something traumatic, that after a time, you start having flashbacks of moments that took place throughout your experience. I know that I do. I can be driving down the road and a scene will play in my mind from the hospital and tears flood my eyes before I even realize what is happening. I think there were only a few who truly knew the amount of pain I was in before our trip to Florida. And I can honestly say that as terrible as it was to be admitted to the hospital, I was grateful we were getting answers and I was going to be treated. After being released, Jeremy and I loaded into the Yukon for our 8 hr trip home. Along the way we stopped at a rest stop to use the bathroom. I was so weak and in so much pain... I remember being in tears long before I reached the door to the building. There was an attendent there and she was our angel that night... she immediately asked if I would need help in the bathroom and proceeded to unlock a bathroom that was sparkling clean just for Jeremy and I. I didn't really have a mirror to look at in the hospital and I remember seeing my reflection in the mirrors that lined the wall of that bathroom. I was horrified... so skinny and sickly looking. I think I made Jeremy stop at just about every exit from then til we got home so I could get something to eat. I was determined to gain some weight back, starting immediately. lol.

But, my most recent flashback was when we got home. Jeremy carried me up our deck stairs and into the house, because I couldn't do it myself. And I went straight to the bathroom. And I just couldn't move from that place. All the sorrow of the past month, all the worry, the gratefulness at being home in my own house and alive... just came flooding out of me. Gut-wrenching sobs that came so deep from inside me came pouring out and I couldn't make it stop. I was grieving for the pain I had suffered, the long road I knew was ahead of me and at the same time I was rejoicing because I had made it... the enemy did not defeat me and God never left my side.

There is a saying, "what doesn't kill you, will only make you stronger." And I agree whole-heartedly. You see what the enemy uses to try and destroy us.... God uses to mold us into the person He wants us to be. IF we will let Him. I could choose to wallow in misery over having to take blood thinners everyday and I could choose to live in anger over the hand I have been dealt. But, then I am just giving satan what he wants... For me to live a miserable uneffective life that does myself and everyone else absolutely no good. But, by allowing God to increase my faith, by allowing myself to trust in the things I cannot see... I am choosing life. I am choosing to win. Doesn't mean there aren't days when I give into the tears, doesn't mean I never worry. But, I get back up. I choose not to settle there.

Isaiah 43: 2-3a says, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. when you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

God didn't promise we would never walk through fire... He never promised to make us a bridge so there will never be waters that threaten to overtake us. We will face hard times, we will have sorrow in this life. But, I am so thankful that He does promise to always be with us... always holding our hand through the pain. Even when we can't feel Him, even when things are so bad that we can't see Him working in the midst of our trouble. HE IS THERE! He never leaves us... not even for a second.

"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed. That I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord. Be of good courage and He will strengthen your heart. Wait on the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14

Don't give up! Don't give into the sadness or anger that tries to consume your life. Stand firm and wait for God to give you your miracle. Don't let Him go until He blesses you!! Keep praying, keep believing, keep trusting in Him...because He has great things in store for each and every one of us. I can only speak for myself, but He is my hope. My gladness. My everything. Even when I don't deserve His love, He lavishes it upon me. He sings over me during my darkest nights.... and eventually morning WILL come and I'll wake up to one of the most beautiful sunrises imaginable!!